So, here it is. I am about to write something so raw and so
sensitive, that it’s something I don’t really talk about in person much. What I’m
about to say has been uttered to very few people, although hints of my anger
and disappointment in the church have been well known, many people in my life,
some of them family, don’t know something that my husband and I have stopped
doing the past few months: we stopped going to church.
Scott and I both grew up in avid LDS families. We went to
church for three hours every week, participated in family nights (known as
Family Home Evening in Mormon households), went to youth activities on
Tuesdays, and attended seminary in high school. Scott went on a full-time
mission and I attended the local LDS institute while I earned my undergraduate
degree. We were married in the temple and until January were temple recommend
holders throughout our entire marriage. If you would have told me 6 years ago
that we would be here today, I would have laughed in your face. Today, though,
our hearts are just no longer in it.
I can’t speak for Scott and his reasons for leaving (as our
reasons are very different), but I feel the need to stop hiding behind a mask
and fully announce my thoughts and feelings to the world. First, I’d like to
say, although I no longer attend, and will most likely continue to not attend,
I still identify as LDS, both culturally and spiritually. However, I can no
longer identify myself religiously with this organization. Trust me when I say,
this journey has been long and agonizing. This realization and choice was one
of the most painful decisions I have ever had to make. Quite honestly, even
though I am a therapist, I have a therapist of my own with whom I have worked
extensively on dealing with this rocky transition. That being said, although I
still have sadness in my heart and have not fully completed the grieving
process, I am so much happier and healthier on this side of my decision.
There are still many things I love about the idea of the LDS
religion. I love the comradery. I love the feeling of family and that if you
need help someone is there for you in an instant. I do love how service
oriented the culture is. However, I have found that in that same ideal we have
created a culture of mental illness that has been perpetuated generation after
generation. The biggest problem with this is that when you try to fight against
that culture by setting boundaries with your church work (or callings, for the
LDS informed), you get ostracized. I found myself accepting callings I
decidedly didn’t have time for and my relationship with my husband became very
strained. I was irritable all the time and stretched myself much too thin.
Regardless of how thinly I was stretched, I felt the judgment from my fellow
church members about how I wasn’t doing enough or how I wasn’t doing things in
their time frame. When I tried to simplify my calling, immediately I was told
that I needed to make ice sculptures and a rainbow out of balloons, and so many
ridiculous things that just don’t matter (and yes, I’m exaggerating about the
ice sculpture…sort of). I can’t even begin to explain to you how awful it felt
to experience consistent microaggressions about my desire for a professional
life outside of my home. There were many unhealthy experiences and I just
cannot do it anymore.
Now, if this were the only thing that had been bothering me,
I might have been able to move past it and just started to turn down callings
and said to hell with anyone who judged me for it. However, the longer I’ve
been in the church the more I’ve realized that many of my favorite aspects of
my religion are being slowly erased. Personal revelation and the entire 11th
Article of Faith seem to be completely ignored. For those of you unfamiliar
with the Articles of Faith, here is Article 11:
“We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God
according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same
privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”
I find that lately, there is too much emphasis on what I so pleasantly
refer to “praying to the handbook” than actually praying to our God for
guidance. I find the handbook for church leaders has had far too many harmful
unintended consequences and the complete disregard of personal differences
bothers me. The handbook (and correlation in general) has, in my opinion,
created an extremely damaging culture of comparison and keeping up with the
Joneses. I can’t tell you how many people I know who have personally been
affected by parenting styles that strive for perfection, in that they cannot
let anyone in the church know that they are human. The, “All of our family goes
to church and chooses the right” mentality. No one wants to talk about problems
in the church, of which there are many. Instead, we are constantly focused on
the “evil other” and how society is affecting us. What about how we are
affecting ourselves? Can we talk about that for once? I guarantee you that the
invalidation of each other’s experiences, the gossiping, nosiness, and cliques
are far more harmful than homosexuality on an individual.
Lastly, the closed-mindedness is not something I’m
comfortable with anymore. I can’t continue to watch community members vote
their friends in to office because they are a “good church goer” instead of
looking behind real motives. I can’t continue to hear people asking for LDS
only doctors, teachers, counselors, etc for no valid reason. I am so sick of
the “drink the Koolaid” mentality, where you are supposedly allowed to
question, but yet if your answer is different than the Brethren, well you’re
wrong. And if you continue to disagree with the Brethren, despite getting an
answer to your question, you now oppose them and that just isn’t allowed. I
think that mentality is damaging and it’s a mentality that I’m not going to let
damage me anymore. I still believe so many of the principles and one day,
perhaps I’ll find my way back in a church building more long-term. However,
that time isn’t now and the place isn’t this. Maybe if we move to an area where
the answer to every problem in Sunday school isn’t always gay people and
liberals I’ll feel more motivation to worship with my congregation again….maybe.
