The America We All Forgot

The past year politically has been a little bit of a headache for all of us. But, besides politics, America has a lot going on right now. Of all things one common theme seems to have stood out to me above the rest: America has forgotten our roots. We've gotten so lost in needing to be star-spangled awesome that we've forgotten the basic principles upon which America was founded.

The past few years have been tumultuous ones. After living through the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, the U.S. kind of fell into disrepair. During the recession we were reminded of things that we had ignored. those things primarily include that this country isn't as equal as we thought it was, and we haven't left the 60s as far behind as we thought. As each evidence of inequality came to light, protests in all forms began. Now before I continue, let me clarify, when I use the term protest I do NOT mean riot. Although riots occurred, there have been more protests than riots by a gigantic margin. Unfortunately, though, with those protests came some of the most upsetting rhetoric of all: "If you don't like it get out!" This logic absolutely makes no sense to me. We are a country founded on protests. We wouldn't be here today without people saying "You know, I don't like this so I'm going to do something" and then protesting and sometimes, even resorting to destruction of property (gasp!). Right from the beginning of our government, our founding fathers knew how important protestation was and ensured that we would always have the right to peaceful protest. Thus, the first amendment was born.

That all being acknowledged, somehow a significant majority of the population has seemed to have forgotten this history and the importance of the first amendment in its entirety. To be honest, I'm not quite sure where we went wrong. I don't know if it's the drama of our two-party system or the lack of civics education, but I've been horrified every time someone gets their panties in a bunch because people assemble to let their government and peers know that they have issues with the climate of our country. The fact of the matter is that people are struggling. Our country is not as free as we think. Those who are hurting the worst are protesting and really, it doesn't matter how they protest, people are all up in arms. They take a knee during the national anthem "Outrageous!", they assemble in groups peacefully, "What do they have to complain about? What whiney babies!", they burn the flag "how disrespectful! They should be arrested!" (which by the way is completely contradictory to the First Ammendment), they get violent "Well why don't they just assemble peacefully?" Well they tried that and you shut them down. So, to be clear, you don't have to like it or have any positive feelings toward it. I'm not particularly fond of anyone burning my country's flag, but I'll fight every day for their right to do so. I wouldn't personally sit during the national anthem, but I'll speak out for their right to do so. Someone asserting their first amendment right isn't un-American as people have been calling it. It's actually one of the most American things you can do, as prescribed and demonstrated by our forefathers.

The Proverbial Hot Mess Express

So basically, this blog has turned into me posting something whenever I need to just put something out into the universe. This post falls right along in line with that. That thing I need to put out there is this: I’m a freaking hot mess express. And when I mean hot mess express, I don’t mean occasionally, I mean every damn day. Even as I write this I am sitting at my computer crying tears of absolute frustration. I have become that person. Why do you ask? Because sometimes life throws us a curveball. Sometimes life doesn’t go as you planned it. Sometimes you have a dream that you’re going to have 3 children who will grow up perfect and beautiful and they’ll have beautiful grandchildren and then life gives you a special needs child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my child. He’s funny and quirky and a complete pain in my side, just like every other two year old. I love that about him by the way. But life with him is HARD. Like, REALLY, REALLY hard. Every day I grieve for the child I thought I would have and every day is a reminder that he is not that child. I mourn the loss of a child I never even knew. To many that seems stupid, but until you experience this for yourself, you’ll just never understand. Again, I love my son, but I miss out on a lot. I don’t get normal holidays. Halloween is a joke, because he can’t understand why we would knock on someone’s door and not go inside when they answer and we don’t get to do any fun Christmas stuff, because he can’t comprehend who Santa is or even notice the purpose of an elf on the shelf. I grieve those traditions we haven’t been able to have yet. I hope one day we will, but for now I grieve.

Being the parent of a special needs child is tough. I have to deal with normal mom shaming and on top of that I feel the judgment from people in public when my child has a complete meltdown because he can’t communicate. It’s really unfortunate that instead of just letting me know that it’s going to be ok, I get people staring me down with intense glares of judgment. I log on to Facebook and see memes of people judging parents whose kids are throwing a fit in the store that say “I didn’t do this as a kid, because my mama didn’t play that.” Well this mama doesn’t play that either, but I refuse to beat the shit out my kid for not being able to communicate his emotions. It’s just not an effective way to teaching any child, let alone a child who already doesn’t understand the world around him. Want to help out the parent of a special needs child today? Be kinder and more understanding of the people around you. Stop judging a tantrum in the store or think because they are giving into the tantrum that they are teaching their child that they can get whatever they want. Maybe that mom is just tired. Maybe that child doesn’t understand. Or maybe that mom is just trying to get the hell out of the store. Regardless, I’m pretty sure no parent is perfect. Just remember, that mom may be you one day. It might be you navigating a system built to work against you. Where outside of your normal responsibilities you have to call insurance companies, service agencies, government agencies and learn than because you make “too much money” your kid gets nothing. Perhaps it’s you one day who wakes up to a new president who plans to gut an important piece of legislation that ensures your special needs child won’t get turned down for insurance because of his preexisting condition. Perhaps it’s you who has to deal with what the future will look like for your child. Meanwhile you’re just trying to live life and remember all the good things your child has done that day and how far they have come from where he started. It could be you one day just one situation away from crying at work for 2 hours. So please, let’s be a little kinder to each other. Let’s support the hot mess express in each of us. We’re all struggling for one reason or another. Today it’s me, but tomorrow it might be you.  

Coming Out For Hillary

I want to preface this post that up until 2012 I was a registered Republican. Additionally, all throughout my voting career, I have consistently voted for whatever candidate I thought was best, regardless of party affiliation. Many times I have voted third party, knowing the candidate likely wouldn't win, but I truly felt he or she was the best candidate for the job. So, I don't say this lightly when I say that I will not be voting third party this election and will be putting  my full support behind Hillary. Yep, that's right, you heard me. I said I'm voting for Hillary Rodham Clinton. If this bothers you and you can't associate with me anymore because of it, I'm ok with that. I don't mind having individuals of all political ideals in my life, quite honestly, I think it helps me grow. What I can't have are people in my life who are of the mindset of "If you are voting for Hillary just unfriend me now." So I'm willing to take the hit, but just know I have many (in my opinion far too many) Trump supporters on my friends list and the only ones I deleted are the individuals who make racist/bigoted/close minded posts so frequently that I can't handle the negativity. Fortunately, those people were few.

So why? Why am I voting for Hillary? I admit, she wasn't my first choice in candidate and honestly I probably share more ideals with Jill Stein than I do with Hillary Clinton. So why would this Bernie supporter back someone who really isn't my top choice even without Bernie in the race? Quite simply it comes down to one thing: Donald Trump scares the shit out of me. Never in any election previously have I so feared for the lives of my friends and family, as well as feared for the outcome of this nation as I have this past year. The vitriol that continually comes out of Donald Trump's mouth literally scares me and causes me to believe that he doesn't have enough self-control to interact appropriately with other foreign dignitaries. So, it's true, Hillary isn't my first choice, but I'm praying harder than ever that she will beat Donald Trump. She has already worked with world leaders and has a proven track record of positive interactions with those world leaders. Do I think she's the most trustworthy person in the world? No, but I feel that way about pretty much every politician in the U.S. Donald Trump has changed his position so many times depending on who he is talking to that I have no idea where he stands, and that scares me. And honestly, I think the only thing he stands for is himself. Donald Trump does not love America; Donald Trump loves himself. There is no way I want that man in charge of nuclear weapons, our military, or nominating supreme court justices. Supposedly he knows how to run a business (although law suits and several bankruptcies would beg to differ), but the government is government, not business. You can't go to China and say, "Hey China, I'm not going to pay the money I owe you" like he has done to many small businesses before. That's how you destabilize a global economy and start wars, and frankly, I'm pretty tired of war. The United States has been at war almost my entire life span. I'm more than over that. So, here is my coming out party: #imwithher because #nevertrump.

Losing My Religion

So, here it is. I am about to write something so raw and so sensitive, that it’s something I don’t really talk about in person much. What I’m about to say has been uttered to very few people, although hints of my anger and disappointment in the church have been well known, many people in my life, some of them family, don’t know something that my husband and I have stopped doing the past few months: we stopped going to church.

Scott and I both grew up in avid LDS families. We went to church for three hours every week, participated in family nights (known as Family Home Evening in Mormon households), went to youth activities on Tuesdays, and attended seminary in high school. Scott went on a full-time mission and I attended the local LDS institute while I earned my undergraduate degree. We were married in the temple and until January were temple recommend holders throughout our entire marriage. If you would have told me 6 years ago that we would be here today, I would have laughed in your face. Today, though, our hearts are just no longer in it.

I can’t speak for Scott and his reasons for leaving (as our reasons are very different), but I feel the need to stop hiding behind a mask and fully announce my thoughts and feelings to the world. First, I’d like to say, although I no longer attend, and will most likely continue to not attend, I still identify as LDS, both culturally and spiritually. However, I can no longer identify myself religiously with this organization. Trust me when I say, this journey has been long and agonizing. This realization and choice was one of the most painful decisions I have ever had to make. Quite honestly, even though I am a therapist, I have a therapist of my own with whom I have worked extensively on dealing with this rocky transition. That being said, although I still have sadness in my heart and have not fully completed the grieving process, I am so much happier and healthier on this side of my decision.

There are still many things I love about the idea of the LDS religion. I love the comradery. I love the feeling of family and that if you need help someone is there for you in an instant. I do love how service oriented the culture is. However, I have found that in that same ideal we have created a culture of mental illness that has been perpetuated generation after generation. The biggest problem with this is that when you try to fight against that culture by setting boundaries with your church work (or callings, for the LDS informed), you get ostracized. I found myself accepting callings I decidedly didn’t have time for and my relationship with my husband became very strained. I was irritable all the time and stretched myself much too thin. Regardless of how thinly I was stretched, I felt the judgment from my fellow church members about how I wasn’t doing enough or how I wasn’t doing things in their time frame. When I tried to simplify my calling, immediately I was told that I needed to make ice sculptures and a rainbow out of balloons, and so many ridiculous things that just don’t matter (and yes, I’m exaggerating about the ice sculpture…sort of). I can’t even begin to explain to you how awful it felt to experience consistent microaggressions about my desire for a professional life outside of my home. There were many unhealthy experiences and I just cannot do it anymore.

Now, if this were the only thing that had been bothering me, I might have been able to move past it and just started to turn down callings and said to hell with anyone who judged me for it. However, the longer I’ve been in the church the more I’ve realized that many of my favorite aspects of my religion are being slowly erased. Personal revelation and the entire 11^th Article of Faith seem to be completely ignored. For those of you unfamiliar with the Articles of Faith, here is Article 11:

“We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”

I find that lately, there is too much emphasis on what I so pleasantly refer to “praying to the handbook” than actually praying to our God for guidance. I find the handbook for church leaders has had far too many harmful unintended consequences and the complete disregard of personal differences bothers me. The handbook (and correlation in general) has, in my opinion, created an extremely damaging culture of comparison and keeping up with the Joneses. I can’t tell you how many people I know who have personally been affected by parenting styles that strive for perfection, in that they cannot let anyone in the church know that they are human. The, “All of our family goes to church and chooses the right” mentality. No one wants to talk about problems in the church, of which there are many. Instead, we are constantly focused on the “evil other” and how society is affecting us. What about how we are affecting ourselves? Can we talk about that for once? I guarantee you that the invalidation of each other’s experiences, the gossiping, nosiness, and cliques are far more harmful than homosexuality on an individual.

Lastly, the closed-mindedness is not something I’m comfortable with anymore. I can’t continue to watch community members vote their friends in to office because they are a “good church goer” instead of looking behind real motives. I can’t continue to hear people asking for LDS only doctors, teachers, counselors, etc for no valid reason. I am so sick of the “drink the Koolaid” mentality, where you are supposedly allowed to question, but yet if your answer is different than the Brethren, well you’re wrong. And if you continue to disagree with the Brethren, despite getting an answer to your question, you now oppose them and that just isn’t allowed. I think that mentality is damaging and it’s a mentality that I’m not going to let damage me anymore. I still believe so many of the principles and one day, perhaps I’ll find my way back in a church building more long-term. However, that time isn’t now and the place isn’t this. Maybe if we move to an area where the answer to every problem in Sunday school isn’t always gay people and liberals I’ll feel more motivation to worship with my congregation again….maybe.  

An Open Letter to LDS Women

So I have to admit, having grown up LDS, the longer I am a part of the organization, the more irritated I get with certain parts of the culture. The parts I have the most irritation with are the parts that have absolutely nothing to do with doctrine. Unfortunately though, as in any religion, people have to ruin it. Like, not just ruin it, but rip up, stomp and spit on, and light it all on fire. Probably the biggest cultural problem, is the attitudes and actions of LDS women. I know I’m not the only one out there as I’ve had many a conversation with others who are just as irritated as I am. So with that, I am writing an open letter to women of my culture to quite frankly, stop it. Let me start with some recent experiences of mine to explain where the irritation is coming from.

As a whole, the church culture has been very outwardly focused on things that are a “threat” to our religion and to families. I can’t sit through a lesson without someone bringing up an example of gay marriage, drugs, liberals (don’t even get me started on the politics at church), and many other things that supposedly threaten Zion. But honestly, want to know what the biggest threat to Zion is? Us. We are the biggest threat to peace, harmony, and salvation. We have a serious problem with catty, back-stabbing gossip and taking offense to anyone who asks you a question. Many a woman has felt rejected and judged in our congregations from our constant need to put on our Sunday face and then change personalities on Monday.  But, I digress, my recent experiences include: passive aggressive text messages at 10:30 at night after trying to fix confusion of an entire program. I know of a woman who yelled at someone I work with in the church all because she asked for a budget and calendar (which all programs are asked to do) to better be able to account for activities and spending. I know of another woman who was cornered and lectured for 30 minutes by several women for the ward party not being “done right”. Apparently it says somewhere in the scriptures that ward parties must be at night and serve dinner, instead of in the morning serving breakfast. Also, apparently if pancakes aren’t served we aren’t considering the needs of children. Also, if I have to sit through one more meeting where people are more concerned with decorations and things being laminated than worrying about what actually needs to get done, I’m going to single-handedly lose my mind.

So sisters, please do me and many others a favor and STOP IT. Get off of Pinterest. We don’t need to have ice sculptures and table displays for lessons. We don’t need to have extravagant decorations for meetings. If someone brings in handouts or posters that aren’t laminated or printed in color ink, I promise the world will survive. We need to stop the passive aggressive text messages. If you have a problem with someone, learn how to resolve it assertively. Also, stop taking everything personally when someone asks a question or asks you to put together a calendar or budget. Stop living in a world of cliques and become more inclusive. We are all women trying to survive this crazy ride called life and we don’t need to cause further divisions by excluding people.  

If you aren’t willing to do these things for others, do it for yourself. Utah has the highest amount of anti-depressant and prescription narcotic usage in the country, the majority of those users being LDS women. Coincidence? I think not. The constant keeping up with the Jones’ has got to stop. We are literally hurting ourselves and breeding mental illness. Just as Uchtdorf said in general conference, we need to simplify and stop making things harder on ourselves. We have enough things to worry about in life than bickering, lamination, and extravagant decorations.

Alright, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’m going to go practice what I preach and work on not taking offense to late night passive aggressive text messages.