I Believe Her, Because Me Too

I am sitting here trying to figure out how to write one of the most vulnerable things I have ever put out into the world. Knowing that in doing this I open myself up to criticism and naysaying. That being said, I have to do it, not for anyone else, but for me. Over the past week as the country was anticipating the Brett Kavanaugh hearing where he and his accuser would both be questioned, a public discourse unlike any I have ever seen in my lifetime was on display on a subject that is haunting for millions of people throughout the country. Initially, I didn’t really anticipate how this would all affect me. I figured that as a mental health therapist who frequently works with sexual assault survivors that I would be furious about what people were saying about the accusers. What I was not prepared for, was being triggered by the way these women were treated. You see, almost a decade ago something happened to me that up until this point in my life I have viewed as a fairly insignificant event. It was horrific at the time, but I moved past it quickly and it did not appear to leave many lasting scars…that is…until today.

When I was about 19 years old, I was invited to go to a small house party, where many of my friends from work and their friends were assembling. It was late and I had to work in the morning, but a friend of mine said that a “few people” were spending the night so I could do the same. It was my impression that more people would be staying, some of them women, so I agreed and went to the party. While there, most people were drinking. At that time, although I was not overly active, I still considered myself Mormon and therefore did not drink alcohol. I also took a nightly medication that made me drowsy and also made it difficult for me to wake up in the morning if I didn’t get enough rest, hence my decision to stay the night rather than drive home. Unfortunately, that decision was the catalyst to one of the worst experiences of my life. As the party died down, I realized that most people were actually not staying over. If I recall correctly, there were only 3 people other than myself who ultimately stayed, all of them being male and all of them being incredibly intoxicated. I had extreme trepidations about this, but I had already taken my medication at this point and therefore couldn’t drive. Furthermore, I did not feel comfortable reaching out to any other friends or family members to come take me home because 1. I would have to leave my car there and have no way to get to work and 2. It was two in the morning. I didn’t want to bother anyone. To make a long story short, after the majority of people left, an acquaintance of mine came into my room where I was trying to sleep. He began to climb into my bed and put his hands on me and tried to kiss me. I turned him down and stated I had no interest in hooking up with him, to which he showed no concern and just kept repeating “Come on Megan, you know you want to” or something to that affect. It has been 10 years, so the exact wording is a bit hazy at this point. Clearly, by now I began to panic. This man was extremely inebriated. He had no inhibitions whatsoever. All of my attempts to convince him to leave my bedroom and to take his hands off of me failed. I’m not really sure how I got away or how long it all went down, because my brain went into pure panic mode, but I did finally wriggle myself free and grabbed my phone and locked myself in a bathroom. This man then continued to sit outside of the bathroom and knock on the door and called my name repeatedly. This was the time I called a male friend of mine, who I had been working out with at the gym earlier that night, and apprised him of the situation. Without question, that friend came to the house and rescued me from that bathroom. For that, to him I will be eternally grateful. At this point, my rescuer took me to his house so I could get some sleep. I slept through the last couple of hours I had left in the night before I had to wake for work and he drove me to work.

 At this point it is imperative for me to reiterate that all of my friends at this party were my current coworkers. The man who assaulted me was a friend of these friends. I only knew him as an acquaintance through them. Flash forward to working that day, where word began to spread about what happened. At first, the men who had left were distraught and angry. They were confused, but believed me. That is, until another man with whom I worked, who stayed at the house that night, denied that any of it happened. Ya know, because he was there he would definitely have known. At least that is how he worked it out logically in his mind. That makes sense in a way, except for the fact that he was so drunk at the time he was dancing around his own house riding a mop for a horse and had a lampshade on his head. So, the witnesses to the actual event were the man who attacked me, the man riding a mop with a lampshade on his head, and another man (who I can’t even remember who it was or if I even knew him that well), who was so drunk he was completely passed out on the floor in the living room. Aside from the nightly medication, I was stone cold sober and the only sober person in the house. That fact though, apparently wasn’t that important, because as quickly as people believed me they began to turn on me. The people who were apologizing for their friends’ behavior soon began to tell me that I must be mistaken, because he would never do something like that. The pain that I felt when my coworkers, MY FRIENDS, completely invalidated me was so unbearable I explicitly remember going home and into my bathtub and crying for over an hour. The doubt continued for weeks. Ultimately, for everyone else in that house, it became an insignificant event. It never really happened, I must have been mistaken.

Admittedly, in the many years since this happened, I have not thought of that night too many times, but I have felt that pain and betrayal intermittently throughout. So, although I hear stories of sexual assault on a regular basis from my clients, not a single story has triggered me. But, listening to Dr. Blasey Ford’s testimony and reading her story and statements, everything from 10 years ago came flooding back. Like Dr. Blasey Ford, I was not raped, but I was attacked. Years have passed since the actual event. I had “witnesses” in the house when it happened who were able to “refute” that it happened to me. When I told others what had happened, first I was accosted with “well you shouldn’t have stayed the night” comments and my friends didn’t believe me. So when I woke up this morning to a text from KTAR stating that Senator Flake was voting yes for moving to a vote for Kavanaugh, I felt like I got hit by a bus.

“My god, they don’t believe her. They really don’t believe her!” I just kept thinking to myself. I walked out of my bedroom, said hello to my husband and children, and walked quickly downstairs and out of sight. My thoughts raced back to that time and I broke in that moment. My tears began to flow. “They didn’t believe me then, they don’t believe her now, they didn’t believe Anita Hill then. They are never going to believe us.” My thoughts began to race. Worse, was I had a full day of therapy ahead of me. I had to get my shit together. I used all the coping skills in my toolbox, put on my big girl panties, and went to work. I got through my day through the grace of the universe. I have always been good at pushing through when I needed. But I struggled in my alone time. I sat in my office and just stared. I had 3 cancelations on top of my lunch, so I did the only thing that I knew would help me and I went home and snuggled with my children. Fuck, today sucked.

So why am I writing this now? Mainly, because I needed to talk about it. I tried to reach out to people several times today and I just couldn’t. I’m crying write now as I write that sentence. I don’t know why I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. Reaching out to someone individually about my feelings was too vulnerable and raw for what I’ve been feeling today. So, this is how I cope. Seriously, I’m not looking for pity. What I do hope that happens from me writing this, is for people who question “Well what about the people who don’t remember?” “well what about the people saying it never happened?” “If it happened, why can’t she remember some of the details?” to be able to understand in a small way what Dr. Blasey Ford is feeling. This happened to me. It was real. Someone’s opinion on whether it happened or not doesn’t change the facts. I am grateful that what happened to me has overall not impacted my life in a negative way. A few weeks after I was attacked, I saw my attacker at another public get together and I forgave him. To this day, I am not sure if he even remembers that this happened or maybe he eventually resigned with the public opinion that I was overreacting. But regardless, I was able to move on with my life. I don’t hold resentment toward the people who didn’t believe me, it just wasn’t worth the effort that took to hold. But to say that what happened after the attack didn’t imprint on my brain would be a lie. It is there, forever. I stand with Dr. Blasey Ford, because I believe survivors. There has been far too much evidence to demonstrate the negative impact of disbelieving survivors. But most of all, I believe Dr. Blasey Ford, because I believe in me.

The America We All Forgot

The past year politically has been a little bit of a headache for all of us. But, besides politics, America has a lot going on right now. Of all things one common theme seems to have stood out to me above the rest: America has forgotten our roots. We've gotten so lost in needing to be star-spangled awesome that we've forgotten the basic principles upon which America was founded.

The past few years have been tumultuous ones. After living through the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, the U.S. kind of fell into disrepair. During the recession we were reminded of things that we had ignored. those things primarily include that this country isn't as equal as we thought it was, and we haven't left the 60s as far behind as we thought. As each evidence of inequality came to light, protests in all forms began. Now before I continue, let me clarify, when I use the term protest I do NOT mean riot. Although riots occurred, there have been more protests than riots by a gigantic margin. Unfortunately, though, with those protests came some of the most upsetting rhetoric of all: "If you don't like it get out!" This logic absolutely makes no sense to me. We are a country founded on protests. We wouldn't be here today without people saying "You know, I don't like this so I'm going to do something" and then protesting and sometimes, even resorting to destruction of property (gasp!). Right from the beginning of our government, our founding fathers knew how important protestation was and ensured that we would always have the right to peaceful protest. Thus, the first amendment was born.

That all being acknowledged, somehow a significant majority of the population has seemed to have forgotten this history and the importance of the first amendment in its entirety. To be honest, I'm not quite sure where we went wrong. I don't know if it's the drama of our two-party system or the lack of civics education, but I've been horrified every time someone gets their panties in a bunch because people assemble to let their government and peers know that they have issues with the climate of our country. The fact of the matter is that people are struggling. Our country is not as free as we think. Those who are hurting the worst are protesting and really, it doesn't matter how they protest, people are all up in arms. They take a knee during the national anthem "Outrageous!", they assemble in groups peacefully, "What do they have to complain about? What whiney babies!", they burn the flag "how disrespectful! They should be arrested!" (which by the way is completely contradictory to the First Ammendment), they get violent "Well why don't they just assemble peacefully?" Well they tried that and you shut them down. So, to be clear, you don't have to like it or have any positive feelings toward it. I'm not particularly fond of anyone burning my country's flag, but I'll fight every day for their right to do so. I wouldn't personally sit during the national anthem, but I'll speak out for their right to do so. Someone asserting their first amendment right isn't un-American as people have been calling it. It's actually one of the most American things you can do, as prescribed and demonstrated by our forefathers.

The Proverbial Hot Mess Express

So basically, this blog has turned into me posting something whenever I need to just put something out into the universe. This post falls right along in line with that. That thing I need to put out there is this: I’m a freaking hot mess express. And when I mean hot mess express, I don’t mean occasionally, I mean every damn day. Even as I write this I am sitting at my computer crying tears of absolute frustration. I have become that person. Why do you ask? Because sometimes life throws us a curveball. Sometimes life doesn’t go as you planned it. Sometimes you have a dream that you’re going to have 3 children who will grow up perfect and beautiful and they’ll have beautiful grandchildren and then life gives you a special needs child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my child. He’s funny and quirky and a complete pain in my side, just like every other two year old. I love that about him by the way. But life with him is HARD. Like, REALLY, REALLY hard. Every day I grieve for the child I thought I would have and every day is a reminder that he is not that child. I mourn the loss of a child I never even knew. To many that seems stupid, but until you experience this for yourself, you’ll just never understand. Again, I love my son, but I miss out on a lot. I don’t get normal holidays. Halloween is a joke, because he can’t understand why we would knock on someone’s door and not go inside when they answer and we don’t get to do any fun Christmas stuff, because he can’t comprehend who Santa is or even notice the purpose of an elf on the shelf. I grieve those traditions we haven’t been able to have yet. I hope one day we will, but for now I grieve.

Being the parent of a special needs child is tough. I have to deal with normal mom shaming and on top of that I feel the judgment from people in public when my child has a complete meltdown because he can’t communicate. It’s really unfortunate that instead of just letting me know that it’s going to be ok, I get people staring me down with intense glares of judgment. I log on to Facebook and see memes of people judging parents whose kids are throwing a fit in the store that say “I didn’t do this as a kid, because my mama didn’t play that.” Well this mama doesn’t play that either, but I refuse to beat the shit out my kid for not being able to communicate his emotions. It’s just not an effective way to teaching any child, let alone a child who already doesn’t understand the world around him. Want to help out the parent of a special needs child today? Be kinder and more understanding of the people around you. Stop judging a tantrum in the store or think because they are giving into the tantrum that they are teaching their child that they can get whatever they want. Maybe that mom is just tired. Maybe that child doesn’t understand. Or maybe that mom is just trying to get the hell out of the store. Regardless, I’m pretty sure no parent is perfect. Just remember, that mom may be you one day. It might be you navigating a system built to work against you. Where outside of your normal responsibilities you have to call insurance companies, service agencies, government agencies and learn than because you make “too much money” your kid gets nothing. Perhaps it’s you one day who wakes up to a new president who plans to gut an important piece of legislation that ensures your special needs child won’t get turned down for insurance because of his preexisting condition. Perhaps it’s you who has to deal with what the future will look like for your child. Meanwhile you’re just trying to live life and remember all the good things your child has done that day and how far they have come from where he started. It could be you one day just one situation away from crying at work for 2 hours. So please, let’s be a little kinder to each other. Let’s support the hot mess express in each of us. We’re all struggling for one reason or another. Today it’s me, but tomorrow it might be you.  

Coming Out For Hillary

I want to preface this post that up until 2012 I was a registered Republican. Additionally, all throughout my voting career, I have consistently voted for whatever candidate I thought was best, regardless of party affiliation. Many times I have voted third party, knowing the candidate likely wouldn't win, but I truly felt he or she was the best candidate for the job. So, I don't say this lightly when I say that I will not be voting third party this election and will be putting  my full support behind Hillary. Yep, that's right, you heard me. I said I'm voting for Hillary Rodham Clinton. If this bothers you and you can't associate with me anymore because of it, I'm ok with that. I don't mind having individuals of all political ideals in my life, quite honestly, I think it helps me grow. What I can't have are people in my life who are of the mindset of "If you are voting for Hillary just unfriend me now." So I'm willing to take the hit, but just know I have many (in my opinion far too many) Trump supporters on my friends list and the only ones I deleted are the individuals who make racist/bigoted/close minded posts so frequently that I can't handle the negativity. Fortunately, those people were few.

So why? Why am I voting for Hillary? I admit, she wasn't my first choice in candidate and honestly I probably share more ideals with Jill Stein than I do with Hillary Clinton. So why would this Bernie supporter back someone who really isn't my top choice even without Bernie in the race? Quite simply it comes down to one thing: Donald Trump scares the shit out of me. Never in any election previously have I so feared for the lives of my friends and family, as well as feared for the outcome of this nation as I have this past year. The vitriol that continually comes out of Donald Trump's mouth literally scares me and causes me to believe that he doesn't have enough self-control to interact appropriately with other foreign dignitaries. So, it's true, Hillary isn't my first choice, but I'm praying harder than ever that she will beat Donald Trump. She has already worked with world leaders and has a proven track record of positive interactions with those world leaders. Do I think she's the most trustworthy person in the world? No, but I feel that way about pretty much every politician in the U.S. Donald Trump has changed his position so many times depending on who he is talking to that I have no idea where he stands, and that scares me. And honestly, I think the only thing he stands for is himself. Donald Trump does not love America; Donald Trump loves himself. There is no way I want that man in charge of nuclear weapons, our military, or nominating supreme court justices. Supposedly he knows how to run a business (although law suits and several bankruptcies would beg to differ), but the government is government, not business. You can't go to China and say, "Hey China, I'm not going to pay the money I owe you" like he has done to many small businesses before. That's how you destabilize a global economy and start wars, and frankly, I'm pretty tired of war. The United States has been at war almost my entire life span. I'm more than over that. So, here is my coming out party: #imwithher because #nevertrump.

Losing My Religion

So, here it is. I am about to write something so raw and so sensitive, that it’s something I don’t really talk about in person much. What I’m about to say has been uttered to very few people, although hints of my anger and disappointment in the church have been well known, many people in my life, some of them family, don’t know something that my husband and I have stopped doing the past few months: we stopped going to church.

Scott and I both grew up in avid LDS families. We went to church for three hours every week, participated in family nights (known as Family Home Evening in Mormon households), went to youth activities on Tuesdays, and attended seminary in high school. Scott went on a full-time mission and I attended the local LDS institute while I earned my undergraduate degree. We were married in the temple and until January were temple recommend holders throughout our entire marriage. If you would have told me 6 years ago that we would be here today, I would have laughed in your face. Today, though, our hearts are just no longer in it.

I can’t speak for Scott and his reasons for leaving (as our reasons are very different), but I feel the need to stop hiding behind a mask and fully announce my thoughts and feelings to the world. First, I’d like to say, although I no longer attend, and will most likely continue to not attend, I still identify as LDS, both culturally and spiritually. However, I can no longer identify myself religiously with this organization. Trust me when I say, this journey has been long and agonizing. This realization and choice was one of the most painful decisions I have ever had to make. Quite honestly, even though I am a therapist, I have a therapist of my own with whom I have worked extensively on dealing with this rocky transition. That being said, although I still have sadness in my heart and have not fully completed the grieving process, I am so much happier and healthier on this side of my decision.

There are still many things I love about the idea of the LDS religion. I love the comradery. I love the feeling of family and that if you need help someone is there for you in an instant. I do love how service oriented the culture is. However, I have found that in that same ideal we have created a culture of mental illness that has been perpetuated generation after generation. The biggest problem with this is that when you try to fight against that culture by setting boundaries with your church work (or callings, for the LDS informed), you get ostracized. I found myself accepting callings I decidedly didn’t have time for and my relationship with my husband became very strained. I was irritable all the time and stretched myself much too thin. Regardless of how thinly I was stretched, I felt the judgment from my fellow church members about how I wasn’t doing enough or how I wasn’t doing things in their time frame. When I tried to simplify my calling, immediately I was told that I needed to make ice sculptures and a rainbow out of balloons, and so many ridiculous things that just don’t matter (and yes, I’m exaggerating about the ice sculpture…sort of). I can’t even begin to explain to you how awful it felt to experience consistent microaggressions about my desire for a professional life outside of my home. There were many unhealthy experiences and I just cannot do it anymore.

Now, if this were the only thing that had been bothering me, I might have been able to move past it and just started to turn down callings and said to hell with anyone who judged me for it. However, the longer I’ve been in the church the more I’ve realized that many of my favorite aspects of my religion are being slowly erased. Personal revelation and the entire 11^th Article of Faith seem to be completely ignored. For those of you unfamiliar with the Articles of Faith, here is Article 11:

“We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”

I find that lately, there is too much emphasis on what I so pleasantly refer to “praying to the handbook” than actually praying to our God for guidance. I find the handbook for church leaders has had far too many harmful unintended consequences and the complete disregard of personal differences bothers me. The handbook (and correlation in general) has, in my opinion, created an extremely damaging culture of comparison and keeping up with the Joneses. I can’t tell you how many people I know who have personally been affected by parenting styles that strive for perfection, in that they cannot let anyone in the church know that they are human. The, “All of our family goes to church and chooses the right” mentality. No one wants to talk about problems in the church, of which there are many. Instead, we are constantly focused on the “evil other” and how society is affecting us. What about how we are affecting ourselves? Can we talk about that for once? I guarantee you that the invalidation of each other’s experiences, the gossiping, nosiness, and cliques are far more harmful than homosexuality on an individual.

Lastly, the closed-mindedness is not something I’m comfortable with anymore. I can’t continue to watch community members vote their friends in to office because they are a “good church goer” instead of looking behind real motives. I can’t continue to hear people asking for LDS only doctors, teachers, counselors, etc for no valid reason. I am so sick of the “drink the Koolaid” mentality, where you are supposedly allowed to question, but yet if your answer is different than the Brethren, well you’re wrong. And if you continue to disagree with the Brethren, despite getting an answer to your question, you now oppose them and that just isn’t allowed. I think that mentality is damaging and it’s a mentality that I’m not going to let damage me anymore. I still believe so many of the principles and one day, perhaps I’ll find my way back in a church building more long-term. However, that time isn’t now and the place isn’t this. Maybe if we move to an area where the answer to every problem in Sunday school isn’t always gay people and liberals I’ll feel more motivation to worship with my congregation again….maybe.  

An Open Letter to LDS Women

So I have to admit, having grown up LDS, the longer I am a part of the organization, the more irritated I get with certain parts of the culture. The parts I have the most irritation with are the parts that have absolutely nothing to do with doctrine. Unfortunately though, as in any religion, people have to ruin it. Like, not just ruin it, but rip up, stomp and spit on, and light it all on fire. Probably the biggest cultural problem, is the attitudes and actions of LDS women. I know I’m not the only one out there as I’ve had many a conversation with others who are just as irritated as I am. So with that, I am writing an open letter to women of my culture to quite frankly, stop it. Let me start with some recent experiences of mine to explain where the irritation is coming from.

As a whole, the church culture has been very outwardly focused on things that are a “threat” to our religion and to families. I can’t sit through a lesson without someone bringing up an example of gay marriage, drugs, liberals (don’t even get me started on the politics at church), and many other things that supposedly threaten Zion. But honestly, want to know what the biggest threat to Zion is? Us. We are the biggest threat to peace, harmony, and salvation. We have a serious problem with catty, back-stabbing gossip and taking offense to anyone who asks you a question. Many a woman has felt rejected and judged in our congregations from our constant need to put on our Sunday face and then change personalities on Monday.  But, I digress, my recent experiences include: passive aggressive text messages at 10:30 at night after trying to fix confusion of an entire program. I know of a woman who yelled at someone I work with in the church all because she asked for a budget and calendar (which all programs are asked to do) to better be able to account for activities and spending. I know of another woman who was cornered and lectured for 30 minutes by several women for the ward party not being “done right”. Apparently it says somewhere in the scriptures that ward parties must be at night and serve dinner, instead of in the morning serving breakfast. Also, apparently if pancakes aren’t served we aren’t considering the needs of children. Also, if I have to sit through one more meeting where people are more concerned with decorations and things being laminated than worrying about what actually needs to get done, I’m going to single-handedly lose my mind.

So sisters, please do me and many others a favor and STOP IT. Get off of Pinterest. We don’t need to have ice sculptures and table displays for lessons. We don’t need to have extravagant decorations for meetings. If someone brings in handouts or posters that aren’t laminated or printed in color ink, I promise the world will survive. We need to stop the passive aggressive text messages. If you have a problem with someone, learn how to resolve it assertively. Also, stop taking everything personally when someone asks a question or asks you to put together a calendar or budget. Stop living in a world of cliques and become more inclusive. We are all women trying to survive this crazy ride called life and we don’t need to cause further divisions by excluding people.  

If you aren’t willing to do these things for others, do it for yourself. Utah has the highest amount of anti-depressant and prescription narcotic usage in the country, the majority of those users being LDS women. Coincidence? I think not. The constant keeping up with the Jones’ has got to stop. We are literally hurting ourselves and breeding mental illness. Just as Uchtdorf said in general conference, we need to simplify and stop making things harder on ourselves. We have enough things to worry about in life than bickering, lamination, and extravagant decorations.

Alright, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’m going to go practice what I preach and work on not taking offense to late night passive aggressive text messages.  

Religious Freedom vs. Discrimination

Over the past year or so there has been some serious discussion on the topic of religious freedom and discrimination. These terms are thrown out so many times that sometimes I feel like Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride. 

So I thought it was time to have an open an honest discussion on what religious freedom means and what discrimination is.

First of all, I would like to say that I am a proponent of religious freedom. Having been raised in a religion whose history is riddled with persecution and even State sanctioned terrorism (I’m looking at you Missouri i.e. the Mormon Extermination Order) I have a severe appreciate for religious freedom. The First Amendment of the United States is in clear support for freedom of religion. With that in mind, I wholeheartedly believe that to have freedom of religion we must also have freedom FROM religion. I loved this quote from Thomas Jefferson which appears to agree with my sentiments:

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties”

I think we all have a clear understanding of what “freedom of religion” means, but do we understand what “freedom from religion” denotes? In my humble opinion, it means far more than the State refraining from declaring an official religion. It points out that legislating any religious belief is wrong and is a great infringement on religious freedom itself. 

With those thoughts I would like to jump to the current climate of the discrimination and religious freedom debate. These topics have been brought up most frequently as of late in relation to the legalization of gay marriage, in addition to the court cases of businesses refusing to serve gay customers. In each case you have one side screaming discrimination and another shouting religious freedom. So which one is it? So, from someone raised and still active in a very conservative Christian faith, let me break this down a little bit.

The businesses in question (specifically the photographer and baker), claimed that according to religious freedom, they could refuse service to a gay couple wanting their services for their wedding ceremony and celebration. The gay couples sued citing the 14^th amendment (along with other case law noting that 1^st amendment liberties are not allowed to trample on the 14^th amendment rights of others). Both of the businesses lost their cases and were told that they needed to serve gay couples in the future.

But wait? What about religious freedom? It’s not discrimination, it’s their sincerely held religious beliefs! Well, here’s where my straight to the point and honest opinion comes in: this is most definitely discrimination. Now, let me tell you why. Conservative Christians have a long list of things that they disagree with religiously. Now the list varies depending on denomination and even more so on how closely one adheres to the traditional beliefs of one’s chosen denomination. For the purpose of this post, I’m going to list off a quick “Big No No” list of generalities shared by many conservative (note the use of conservative) Christian denominations:

-premarital sex

-having children out of wedlock

-drug and alcohol use

-tattoos (varies by denomination)

-divorce

-cohabitation before marriage

-Foul language

-Pornography

-Homosexuality

-Immodesty

So that list goes on, but those are some examples of with which many conservative Christians are not ok. Looking at that list think about how many people in this country alone fall under just one of those categories. I mean, we have a 50% divorce rate, and in all reality those statistics are greatly off base and the number is most likely closer to 70%. So, are those business owners refusing service to people who fall in the other categories? I would venture to guess, not so much. If they did, they would pretty much go out of business, because a great majority of Americans fall somewhere in these categories. That is why refusal to serve gays is discrimination. Photographers (at least none I’ve heard of) refuse to take newborn photos of an unwed mother. Bakeries don’t refuse to bake cakes of a second marriage. They don’t refuse service to a mother ordering a birthday cake for her son born out of wedlock. They don’t refuse to take family photos of two heterosexual individuals happily coupled and living together. However, many people see that it’s ok to refuse service to gays. You can’t have it both ways. You either refuse service to all things that you disagree with religiously or you serve everyone. But I bet you think that refusing to take pictures of a baby born out of wedlock demonstrates a lack of human kindness. So how does refusing to take a picture of two consenting adults committing into a long-term relationship not equate to that same lack of human kindness? You don’t have to agree with someone’s lifestyle to love them. You don’t have to agree with their choices (term used loosely as gay people do not ‘choose’ to be gay) to show human kindness.

As a final note, I would like to point out what is an infringement on religious freedom. Most people agree on the fact (including most in the LGBT community) that requiring a church, a pastor, a priest, a bishop, etc. to hold or perform a gay marriage when they do not believe in gay marriage is an infringement on religious freedom. That being said, a pastor and a baker are not the same thing. A baker makes cakes. A photographer takes pictures. That's it. You don't have to advertise the cake or the pictures on your website. I know that none of my services have ended up as advertisement for someone's website. So, unless you are a specific representative of a religious organization performing a religious ordinance, gay people are not infringing on your religious rights. Refusing to serve gays, on the other hand, infringes on their rights and is discrimination, unless you refuse to serve all the other aforementioned categories.

I would love to hear any friendly and intelligent discussion on my thoughts. Any name calling or comments such as “Well if you just had more faith…” are not welcome and frankly are not arguments. They are blatant attempts to make yourself seem better than someone instead of making a logical rebuttal. I know I’m going to take a hit for this one, but it’s something I’ve had many thoughts about lately.