Losing My Religion

So, here it is. I am about to write something so raw and so sensitive, that it’s something I don’t really talk about in person much. What I’m about to say has been uttered to very few people, although hints of my anger and disappointment in the church have been well known, many people in my life, some of them family, don’t know something that my husband and I have stopped doing the past few months: we stopped going to church.

Scott and I both grew up in avid LDS families. We went to church for three hours every week, participated in family nights (known as Family Home Evening in Mormon households), went to youth activities on Tuesdays, and attended seminary in high school. Scott went on a full-time mission and I attended the local LDS institute while I earned my undergraduate degree. We were married in the temple and until January were temple recommend holders throughout our entire marriage. If you would have told me 6 years ago that we would be here today, I would have laughed in your face. Today, though, our hearts are just no longer in it.

I can’t speak for Scott and his reasons for leaving (as our reasons are very different), but I feel the need to stop hiding behind a mask and fully announce my thoughts and feelings to the world. First, I’d like to say, although I no longer attend, and will most likely continue to not attend, I still identify as LDS, both culturally and spiritually. However, I can no longer identify myself religiously with this organization. Trust me when I say, this journey has been long and agonizing. This realization and choice was one of the most painful decisions I have ever had to make. Quite honestly, even though I am a therapist, I have a therapist of my own with whom I have worked extensively on dealing with this rocky transition. That being said, although I still have sadness in my heart and have not fully completed the grieving process, I am so much happier and healthier on this side of my decision.

There are still many things I love about the idea of the LDS religion. I love the comradery. I love the feeling of family and that if you need help someone is there for you in an instant. I do love how service oriented the culture is. However, I have found that in that same ideal we have created a culture of mental illness that has been perpetuated generation after generation. The biggest problem with this is that when you try to fight against that culture by setting boundaries with your church work (or callings, for the LDS informed), you get ostracized. I found myself accepting callings I decidedly didn’t have time for and my relationship with my husband became very strained. I was irritable all the time and stretched myself much too thin. Regardless of how thinly I was stretched, I felt the judgment from my fellow church members about how I wasn’t doing enough or how I wasn’t doing things in their time frame. When I tried to simplify my calling, immediately I was told that I needed to make ice sculptures and a rainbow out of balloons, and so many ridiculous things that just don’t matter (and yes, I’m exaggerating about the ice sculpture…sort of). I can’t even begin to explain to you how awful it felt to experience consistent microaggressions about my desire for a professional life outside of my home. There were many unhealthy experiences and I just cannot do it anymore.

Now, if this were the only thing that had been bothering me, I might have been able to move past it and just started to turn down callings and said to hell with anyone who judged me for it. However, the longer I’ve been in the church the more I’ve realized that many of my favorite aspects of my religion are being slowly erased. Personal revelation and the entire 11^th Article of Faith seem to be completely ignored. For those of you unfamiliar with the Articles of Faith, here is Article 11:

“We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”

I find that lately, there is too much emphasis on what I so pleasantly refer to “praying to the handbook” than actually praying to our God for guidance. I find the handbook for church leaders has had far too many harmful unintended consequences and the complete disregard of personal differences bothers me. The handbook (and correlation in general) has, in my opinion, created an extremely damaging culture of comparison and keeping up with the Joneses. I can’t tell you how many people I know who have personally been affected by parenting styles that strive for perfection, in that they cannot let anyone in the church know that they are human. The, “All of our family goes to church and chooses the right” mentality. No one wants to talk about problems in the church, of which there are many. Instead, we are constantly focused on the “evil other” and how society is affecting us. What about how we are affecting ourselves? Can we talk about that for once? I guarantee you that the invalidation of each other’s experiences, the gossiping, nosiness, and cliques are far more harmful than homosexuality on an individual.

Lastly, the closed-mindedness is not something I’m comfortable with anymore. I can’t continue to watch community members vote their friends in to office because they are a “good church goer” instead of looking behind real motives. I can’t continue to hear people asking for LDS only doctors, teachers, counselors, etc for no valid reason. I am so sick of the “drink the Koolaid” mentality, where you are supposedly allowed to question, but yet if your answer is different than the Brethren, well you’re wrong. And if you continue to disagree with the Brethren, despite getting an answer to your question, you now oppose them and that just isn’t allowed. I think that mentality is damaging and it’s a mentality that I’m not going to let damage me anymore. I still believe so many of the principles and one day, perhaps I’ll find my way back in a church building more long-term. However, that time isn’t now and the place isn’t this. Maybe if we move to an area where the answer to every problem in Sunday school isn’t always gay people and liberals I’ll feel more motivation to worship with my congregation again….maybe.  

An Open Letter to LDS Women

So I have to admit, having grown up LDS, the longer I am a part of the organization, the more irritated I get with certain parts of the culture. The parts I have the most irritation with are the parts that have absolutely nothing to do with doctrine. Unfortunately though, as in any religion, people have to ruin it. Like, not just ruin it, but rip up, stomp and spit on, and light it all on fire. Probably the biggest cultural problem, is the attitudes and actions of LDS women. I know I’m not the only one out there as I’ve had many a conversation with others who are just as irritated as I am. So with that, I am writing an open letter to women of my culture to quite frankly, stop it. Let me start with some recent experiences of mine to explain where the irritation is coming from.

As a whole, the church culture has been very outwardly focused on things that are a “threat” to our religion and to families. I can’t sit through a lesson without someone bringing up an example of gay marriage, drugs, liberals (don’t even get me started on the politics at church), and many other things that supposedly threaten Zion. But honestly, want to know what the biggest threat to Zion is? Us. We are the biggest threat to peace, harmony, and salvation. We have a serious problem with catty, back-stabbing gossip and taking offense to anyone who asks you a question. Many a woman has felt rejected and judged in our congregations from our constant need to put on our Sunday face and then change personalities on Monday.  But, I digress, my recent experiences include: passive aggressive text messages at 10:30 at night after trying to fix confusion of an entire program. I know of a woman who yelled at someone I work with in the church all because she asked for a budget and calendar (which all programs are asked to do) to better be able to account for activities and spending. I know of another woman who was cornered and lectured for 30 minutes by several women for the ward party not being “done right”. Apparently it says somewhere in the scriptures that ward parties must be at night and serve dinner, instead of in the morning serving breakfast. Also, apparently if pancakes aren’t served we aren’t considering the needs of children. Also, if I have to sit through one more meeting where people are more concerned with decorations and things being laminated than worrying about what actually needs to get done, I’m going to single-handedly lose my mind.

So sisters, please do me and many others a favor and STOP IT. Get off of Pinterest. We don’t need to have ice sculptures and table displays for lessons. We don’t need to have extravagant decorations for meetings. If someone brings in handouts or posters that aren’t laminated or printed in color ink, I promise the world will survive. We need to stop the passive aggressive text messages. If you have a problem with someone, learn how to resolve it assertively. Also, stop taking everything personally when someone asks a question or asks you to put together a calendar or budget. Stop living in a world of cliques and become more inclusive. We are all women trying to survive this crazy ride called life and we don’t need to cause further divisions by excluding people.  

If you aren’t willing to do these things for others, do it for yourself. Utah has the highest amount of anti-depressant and prescription narcotic usage in the country, the majority of those users being LDS women. Coincidence? I think not. The constant keeping up with the Jones’ has got to stop. We are literally hurting ourselves and breeding mental illness. Just as Uchtdorf said in general conference, we need to simplify and stop making things harder on ourselves. We have enough things to worry about in life than bickering, lamination, and extravagant decorations.

Alright, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’m going to go practice what I preach and work on not taking offense to late night passive aggressive text messages.  

Religious Freedom vs. Discrimination

Over the past year or so there has been some serious discussion on the topic of religious freedom and discrimination. These terms are thrown out so many times that sometimes I feel like Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride. 

So I thought it was time to have an open an honest discussion on what religious freedom means and what discrimination is.

First of all, I would like to say that I am a proponent of religious freedom. Having been raised in a religion whose history is riddled with persecution and even State sanctioned terrorism (I’m looking at you Missouri i.e. the Mormon Extermination Order) I have a severe appreciate for religious freedom. The First Amendment of the United States is in clear support for freedom of religion. With that in mind, I wholeheartedly believe that to have freedom of religion we must also have freedom FROM religion. I loved this quote from Thomas Jefferson which appears to agree with my sentiments:

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties”

I think we all have a clear understanding of what “freedom of religion” means, but do we understand what “freedom from religion” denotes? In my humble opinion, it means far more than the State refraining from declaring an official religion. It points out that legislating any religious belief is wrong and is a great infringement on religious freedom itself. 

With those thoughts I would like to jump to the current climate of the discrimination and religious freedom debate. These topics have been brought up most frequently as of late in relation to the legalization of gay marriage, in addition to the court cases of businesses refusing to serve gay customers. In each case you have one side screaming discrimination and another shouting religious freedom. So which one is it? So, from someone raised and still active in a very conservative Christian faith, let me break this down a little bit.

The businesses in question (specifically the photographer and baker), claimed that according to religious freedom, they could refuse service to a gay couple wanting their services for their wedding ceremony and celebration. The gay couples sued citing the 14^th amendment (along with other case law noting that 1^st amendment liberties are not allowed to trample on the 14^th amendment rights of others). Both of the businesses lost their cases and were told that they needed to serve gay couples in the future.

But wait? What about religious freedom? It’s not discrimination, it’s their sincerely held religious beliefs! Well, here’s where my straight to the point and honest opinion comes in: this is most definitely discrimination. Now, let me tell you why. Conservative Christians have a long list of things that they disagree with religiously. Now the list varies depending on denomination and even more so on how closely one adheres to the traditional beliefs of one’s chosen denomination. For the purpose of this post, I’m going to list off a quick “Big No No” list of generalities shared by many conservative (note the use of conservative) Christian denominations:

-premarital sex

-having children out of wedlock

-drug and alcohol use

-tattoos (varies by denomination)

-divorce

-cohabitation before marriage

-Foul language

-Pornography

-Homosexuality

-Immodesty

So that list goes on, but those are some examples of with which many conservative Christians are not ok. Looking at that list think about how many people in this country alone fall under just one of those categories. I mean, we have a 50% divorce rate, and in all reality those statistics are greatly off base and the number is most likely closer to 70%. So, are those business owners refusing service to people who fall in the other categories? I would venture to guess, not so much. If they did, they would pretty much go out of business, because a great majority of Americans fall somewhere in these categories. That is why refusal to serve gays is discrimination. Photographers (at least none I’ve heard of) refuse to take newborn photos of an unwed mother. Bakeries don’t refuse to bake cakes of a second marriage. They don’t refuse service to a mother ordering a birthday cake for her son born out of wedlock. They don’t refuse to take family photos of two heterosexual individuals happily coupled and living together. However, many people see that it’s ok to refuse service to gays. You can’t have it both ways. You either refuse service to all things that you disagree with religiously or you serve everyone. But I bet you think that refusing to take pictures of a baby born out of wedlock demonstrates a lack of human kindness. So how does refusing to take a picture of two consenting adults committing into a long-term relationship not equate to that same lack of human kindness? You don’t have to agree with someone’s lifestyle to love them. You don’t have to agree with their choices (term used loosely as gay people do not ‘choose’ to be gay) to show human kindness.

As a final note, I would like to point out what is an infringement on religious freedom. Most people agree on the fact (including most in the LGBT community) that requiring a church, a pastor, a priest, a bishop, etc. to hold or perform a gay marriage when they do not believe in gay marriage is an infringement on religious freedom. That being said, a pastor and a baker are not the same thing. A baker makes cakes. A photographer takes pictures. That's it. You don't have to advertise the cake or the pictures on your website. I know that none of my services have ended up as advertisement for someone's website. So, unless you are a specific representative of a religious organization performing a religious ordinance, gay people are not infringing on your religious rights. Refusing to serve gays, on the other hand, infringes on their rights and is discrimination, unless you refuse to serve all the other aforementioned categories.

I would love to hear any friendly and intelligent discussion on my thoughts. Any name calling or comments such as “Well if you just had more faith…” are not welcome and frankly are not arguments. They are blatant attempts to make yourself seem better than someone instead of making a logical rebuttal. I know I’m going to take a hit for this one, but it’s something I’ve had many thoughts about lately.

Questioning Salutations

So I’ve pretty much proved that I epically suck at blogging, as I have yet to update from my initial posts this year. However, today while I was at the park with my son, a thought came to my head and I just needed to put it down somewhere before I forgot about it. I’m putting it here, in my blog, because I think it is something that we can all think about.

How many times a day do we hear the words “How are you?” and how many times do we say it? When you have said it, were you actually sincere in asking it? When you replied to someone asking it, were you answering truthfully? Or did you just respond “I’m doing great!” because that is the polite thing to say. Today I really got to thinking about this. I remember one time, a few years back, actually responding to this question in a truthful way “I’m really tired. I didn't sleep well last night.” After replying and having a short conversation about it, my husband, who was standing next to me at the time said “Megan, people typically don’t want to hear about the negatives” and he was absolutely right. When people reply honestly to that question, it’s awkward. We get really uncomfortable, especially if the person replying is having a really hard time. My question is, WHY? Why do we get so uncomfortable with reality? Why do we tend to cower away from the fact that someone is having a rough time at that particular moment? Let’s look at this for a second from the perspective of a person who is suffering.

We all deal with difficult times. Some deal better than others, but regardless there have been times in all of our lives when we are one straw away from a complete breakdown. Now imagine (or perhaps even remember) when someone asks “How are you?” and you have to fake a reply of all the niceties of your day. It makes you feel so much worse. It just reminds you that you aren't doing as well as you are “supposed” to be doing. I want to put it out in the world, that perhaps, if we stopped asking the question if we weren't sincere, or perhaps, even better started having more interest in the welfare of our fellow man (or woman), we would have less hopelessness in the world. The act of just expressing your frustration or telling someone about what’s bothering you can be quite cathartic in and of itself.  Perhaps the simple action of asking someone how their day is going and genuinely listening could brighten someone’s day so much, it could save someone’s life. There have been multiple reports from people who were considering committing suicide and the simple act of someone saying “hello” was enough for them to feel not so alone.

So, it is my suggestion that we stop saying “How are you?” so haphazardly. If you really don’t care, then just say “hello” and move on with your day. More preferably, though, let’s start genuinely talking to each other and more importantly, listening to each other. Perhaps your listening to someone tell you about their horrible day will keep that one last straw from breaking the camel’s back. You never know, you may actually save someone’s life one day. 

Homemade First Aid Kit Part 2- Roller Bottles

Here is part two of making your own all-natural, non-toxic first aid kit with essential oils. If you missed part one, which primarily discussed making salves, you can view that post here. For this post, I want to focus on making roller bottles, both adult and kids versions. 

Roller bottles are a highly convenient method of applying essential oils. You don't have to deal with mixing the carrier oil and essential oil in your hand, they are much easier when dealing with struggling little ones, and they make your oils stretch further. I don't advocate putting every oil in a roller bottle, just the blends and singles that you use frequently. So here are my suggestions for great roller bottles to have on hand:

Immune Support Roller Bottle

Fever Roller Bottle

Headache Roller Bottle

Seasonal Support Roller Bottle

Wellness Bomb Roller Bottle

It's important to realize that kids roller bottles may be completely different than adult roller bottles, especially when dealing with kids under the age of 4. Kids need their oils to be diluted more than adults do and some oils that can be used on adults shouldn't be use on kids under the age of 2.5. I don't have child versions of all of these bottles, but I will note the ones where I make both, the levels of dilutions, and appropriate oils. 

First, you need to get your hands on some roller bottles. I like to have both 10ml and 5ml bottles. I use primarily 5ml bottles for the adult mixes (to save your oil) and 10ml on kids. However, for the Wellness Bomb, I recommend the 10ml for the adult as well as the child. 

The cheapest place I have found to order 10ml roller bottles is Amazon. You can find them here.Amazon, however, does not carry cheap 5ml roller bottles. Aromatools has a great selection of roller bottles and has 5ml bottles which are fairly inexpensive. They also carry 10ml bottles so if you want to purchase from the same place you can find the 5ml here and 10ml here.

Using quality essential oils is key when making and using your homemade first aid kit. Read this blog post to learn about purchasing quality essential oils. You can purchase those oils here.

Immune Support Roller Bottles

This is a roller bottle that I make both a kid version and adult version. I use the same oil, a protecting blend (I prefer Améo's Proshield), but dilute them differently. 

Adult Version

50 drops protecting blend

50 drops carrier oil

5ml bottle

Kid Version (under 4)

33 drops protecting blend

Fill the rest of the bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

Kid Version (over 4)

50 drops protecting blend

Fill rest of the bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

***Note if your child is under 6 months old, use frankincense instead of protecting blend or dilute even further*** Roll the bottle on the bottoms of feet and along the spine daily. 

Fever Roller Bottles

This is one where adults, children, and really young children not only have different dilutions, but different oils. Peppermint is really effective for reducing fever, but should not be used on a child under two and half years old.

Adult Version

50 drops Peppermint

50 drops carrier oil

5ml bottle

Kid Version (above 4)

50 drops Peppermint

Fill remainder of bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

Kid Version (under 4)

33 drops Lemon or Bergomot

Fill remainder of bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

Rub along the spine, bottom of the feet, and behind the ears as needed to reduce fever. All of these roller bottles can be used for acid reflux as well. 

Headache Roller Bottle

I only make this bottle for adults as we tend to get headaches more than kids do (primarily because we take care of ourselves less). If you want to make one for kids, just put it in a 10ml bottle instead of a 5ml bottle and only use for kids above 3. For kids under that age, omit the peppermint. 

17 drops Lavender

17 drops Frankincense

17 drops Peppermint

50 drops carrier oil

5ml bottle

Roll on temples, forehead, back of the neck, and the bottom of the feet as needed.

Seasonal Support Roller Bottle

This is one of those blends that shouldn't be used under the age of 3, because there really isn't a substitute for peppermint in this blend. 

Adult Version

17 drops Lavender

17 drops Peppermint

17 drops Lemon

50 drops carrier oil

5ml bottle

Kids Version

Same drops but put in 10ml bottle and fill remainder with carrier oil

Roll this on the chest over the thymus at the beginning of the day and then as needed after that to help with allergies. 

Wellness Bomb Roller Bottles

Again, this is one with very different oils and dilutions for different ages. Oregano is a hot oil and shouldn't be used on young children who have much more sensitive skin than older kids and adults do. 

Adult Version

6 drops Oregano

6 drops Frankincense

12 drops Protecting Blend

12 drops Lemon

12 drops Tea Tree

Use 5ml or 10ml bottle depending on desired strength

Kid Version (over 4)

17 Tea Tree

17 Lemon

17 Protecting Blend

(Add a few drops of Oregano when they are old enough to handle hot oils)

Fill remainder of bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

Kid Version (1-4 years)

11 drops Tea Tree

11 drops Lemon

11 drops Protecting blend

Fill remainder of bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

Infant Version

11 drops Tea Tree

11 drops Lemon

11 drops Lavender or Frankincense

Fill remainder of bottle with carrier oil

10ml bottle

Use these bottles when you are feeling under the weather and need to get back on your feet quick. Put on bottom of feet and spine every 4-6 hours as needed. 

Homemade First Aid Kit

With a now walking toddler in the house, I have become increasingly concerned over the types of chemicals sitting in our cabinets. Our little guy loves to get into all of the cupboards and pull things out. Outside of being both annoying and cute, it can be extremely dangerous if he gets a hold of the wrong products. We are in the process of putting child proof locks on them, but even then I just feel like the products I use needs to be safer for him. So I have started to rid myself of harmful and toxic chemicals and replacing them with safer, non-toxic products. Unfortunately, most of the products that fall into this category are extremely expensive, considering that toxic, synthetic chemicals are about $2 for a large bottle. So to combat this costly expense, I have started making my own products. To start, I made my own homemade first aid kit.

Salves:

 All-purpose Skin-healing Salve

Pain Salve 

Antihistamine Salve

Kid's VapoRub

Ault VapoRub

Roller-bottles:

Immune Support

Fever 

Headache

Seasonal Support

Wellness Bombs

Spray Bottles:

Hand Sanitizer

Sunburn Relief Spray

Cut, Scrape, and Rash Relief
Throat Relief Spray

All of these items were extremely easy to make. For the sake of not having an extremely long blog post, I'll focus on the salves for the rest of this post. To make the salves I used a basic salve recipe. 

Basic Salve:

1/2 cup Extra Virgin Coconut Oil

1/2 Cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil

2 Tablespoons beeswax pellets (purchase here).

5- 2oz glass or plastic salve jars (purchase here or here).

Combine coconut oil, olive oil, and beeswax pellets in a double boiler. If you don't have one, you can use a glass bowl or mason jar inside of a pot of water. Heat (on low to medium) until all are melted. Stir with a metal spoon.

Pour into your chosen salve jars and add your chosen essential oils. Make sure your oils are ready as the mixture cools quickly. An assembly line would be best  (have one person pour the mixture while another person puts in the oils).  Swirl the jar to mix in the oil. Leave salves uncovered until they harden and let cool for a few hours.

Here are the recipes for each type of salve and their uses. To purchase quality essential oils that are tested and proven to work, see this blog post or purchase here. 

Antihistamine Salve

5 drops Lemon

5 drops Peppermint

5 drops Lavender 

This salve is great for skin allergies and a great companion for a camping trip. Poison Ivy ain't got nothin' on this salve. 

Pain Salve

30-40 drops Soothing Blend (I use Améo's Muscle Mend)

Use this salve in place of Icy-Hot or Bengay. It has a cooling affect that will have your muscles and joints thanking you for. 

Natural Adult VapoRub

30 drops Respiratory Blend (I use Améo's Soothing Aire)

This salve is great for replacing that store-bought VapoRub with all the nasty chemicals. Plus, I think this smells much nicer and works far better. This blend contains peppermint and eucalyptus, so not appropriate for small children. See the next recipe for small children appropriate natural VapoRub. 

Natural Kid's VapoRub

5-7 drops Lavender

5-7 drops Rosemary

5-7 drops Frankincense

Eucalyptus and Peppermint have a very small chance of slowing breathing dangerously in small children if placed on their chest and back. Although the chance is very slight, why risk it when there are other alternatives? Another option to this blend is to put 10 drops of Frankincense with 10 drops of Spruce. 

All-Purpose Skin-Healing Salve

10 drops Frankincense

10 drops Lavender

10 drops Tea Tree

This salve can be used for a myriad of things. It is an excellent replacement for Neosporin. You can use it for burns, cuts, scrapes, eczema, and many more! It is a must have in your first aid kit.