The Proverbial Hot Mess Express

So basically, this blog has turned into me posting something whenever I need to just put something out into the universe. This post falls right along in line with that. That thing I need to put out there is this: I’m a freaking hot mess express. And when I mean hot mess express, I don’t mean occasionally, I mean every damn day. Even as I write this I am sitting at my computer crying tears of absolute frustration. I have become that person. Why do you ask? Because sometimes life throws us a curveball. Sometimes life doesn’t go as you planned it. Sometimes you have a dream that you’re going to have 3 children who will grow up perfect and beautiful and they’ll have beautiful grandchildren and then life gives you a special needs child. Don’t get me wrong, I love my child. He’s funny and quirky and a complete pain in my side, just like every other two year old. I love that about him by the way. But life with him is HARD. Like, REALLY, REALLY hard. Every day I grieve for the child I thought I would have and every day is a reminder that he is not that child. I mourn the loss of a child I never even knew. To many that seems stupid, but until you experience this for yourself, you’ll just never understand. Again, I love my son, but I miss out on a lot. I don’t get normal holidays. Halloween is a joke, because he can’t understand why we would knock on someone’s door and not go inside when they answer and we don’t get to do any fun Christmas stuff, because he can’t comprehend who Santa is or even notice the purpose of an elf on the shelf. I grieve those traditions we haven’t been able to have yet. I hope one day we will, but for now I grieve.

Being the parent of a special needs child is tough. I have to deal with normal mom shaming and on top of that I feel the judgment from people in public when my child has a complete meltdown because he can’t communicate. It’s really unfortunate that instead of just letting me know that it’s going to be ok, I get people staring me down with intense glares of judgment. I log on to Facebook and see memes of people judging parents whose kids are throwing a fit in the store that say “I didn’t do this as a kid, because my mama didn’t play that.” Well this mama doesn’t play that either, but I refuse to beat the shit out my kid for not being able to communicate his emotions. It’s just not an effective way to teaching any child, let alone a child who already doesn’t understand the world around him. Want to help out the parent of a special needs child today? Be kinder and more understanding of the people around you. Stop judging a tantrum in the store or think because they are giving into the tantrum that they are teaching their child that they can get whatever they want. Maybe that mom is just tired. Maybe that child doesn’t understand. Or maybe that mom is just trying to get the hell out of the store. Regardless, I’m pretty sure no parent is perfect. Just remember, that mom may be you one day. It might be you navigating a system built to work against you. Where outside of your normal responsibilities you have to call insurance companies, service agencies, government agencies and learn than because you make “too much money” your kid gets nothing. Perhaps it’s you one day who wakes up to a new president who plans to gut an important piece of legislation that ensures your special needs child won’t get turned down for insurance because of his preexisting condition. Perhaps it’s you who has to deal with what the future will look like for your child. Meanwhile you’re just trying to live life and remember all the good things your child has done that day and how far they have come from where he started. It could be you one day just one situation away from crying at work for 2 hours. So please, let’s be a little kinder to each other. Let’s support the hot mess express in each of us. We’re all struggling for one reason or another. Today it’s me, but tomorrow it might be you.